


a rey of light that warms you at night, a fire so bright it burns with might

by Lutrosis



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Apologies, Ben Solo Has Issues, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Feral Rey, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Kylo Ren Redemption, Non-Linear Narrative, Parents Han and Leia, Protective Rey (Star Wars), Reconciliation, Redeemed Ben Solo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:41:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25114795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lutrosis/pseuds/Lutrosis
Summary: Ben never told Rey the whole story of his past, before he began to work for Snoke. But after she witnesses one of his nightmares, he opens up to her. Rey is fiercely protective and she will move the world to right the wrongs done to her love.
Relationships: Background Relationships:, Cassian Andor & Ben Solo, Cassian Andor/Jyn Erso, Dopheld Mitaka & Ben Solo, Jyn Erso & Ben Solo, Leia Organa/Han Solo, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 8
Kudos: 52





	1. If Only I Had Known

**Author's Note:**

> The story is completely written and will be uploaded in the course of this week. The idea to it was in my head for a few months and many tears were shed in the process of finishing this story. I hope you'll enjoy it.

In the Morning

With angry steps, Rey marched to the door of the Organa-Solo mansion. Parting from Ben had been difficult after the night they had, but Ben had gone to the gym and Rey wanted to use this possibility to confront his parents. She jumped up the stairs leading onto their porch. Foregoing her famous three buns, Rey had kept her hair down this morning, her grey coat billowing in the morning wind. Rey knew that they probably just woken up, but she didn’t care – this was more important than not upsetting her boss or respectively her boyfriend’s parents.

Rey pounded on the wooden door until she heard Han’s voice yelling, “I’m coming, I’m coming,”. With an exasperated look on his face, he opened the door, but a grin immediately formed on his face as he recognized her. “Hey kid, what are you doing here so early? What’s the emergency?” Rey looked at the older men in front of her, wearing a blue dressing gown and beneath that a white t-shirt and black pajama bottoms.

Rey pushed him aside and forced her way into the house. “Follow me,” she ordered him. Losing the grin on his face, Han murmured, “Okay?” Rey paced through the hallway into the kitchen, where she heard Leia asking, who had been at the door. “Morning,” Rey greeted her. Leia shot her husband a questioning look, but he just shrugged.

“Good morning, Rey,” the former senator turned towards the young women again. “What brought you here on this beautiful Saturday morning? Where did you leave my beautiful son?” She smiled welcomingly. But Rey had no patience for their usual small talk. She fixed them both with a furious glare. “We have to talk. Ben doesn’t know I’m here.”

Han tried to lighten up the tension between the three. “Is this where you tell us, that you two broke up? I can’t say I hadn’t expected that. In fact, you two staying together for eight months is seven longer than I bet on. The boy usually fucks things up faster than that.”

Rey bristled at Han’s words. “That attitude is exactly, why I’m here. You all have to fucking stop.”

* * *

In the Night

It was dark inside the room when Rey suddenly woke up. She was confused, normally she slept wonderfully when she was with Ben. Then she heard his distraught noises. She turned around, realizing, that he wasn’t holding her in his arms like he always did. She sat up in their bed. Ben laid on his back, tears were flowing down his face. Then she heard him again. “No, no, no. Please don’t. I’ll be good. Don’t send me away.”

With one hand, Rey caressed his cheek and with the other, she tried to shake him out of his sleep. “Hey, Ben. You are dreaming. Come on, wake up. You’re having a nightmare. Come on, please my dear, just wake up.” With a jolt, Ben’s upper body shot in the air and he sat upright.

Heavy sobs tore through his giant body. His hands covered his face. Immediately Rey put her arms around him and tried to pull him against her chest. With a soft voice, she tried to soothe him. “I got you, you are not alone.” Rey continued to murmur to him, but it took a long time until he calmed down again. She stopped when she felt Ben gently kissing along her collarbone.

She moved him away from her body, to be able to look him in his face and assess his state of mind. Ben’s pain had left a visible shadow on his face, but he wasn’t crying anymore and breathed relatively normal. Rey asked him if he wanted to talk about it. “Just give me a few minutes,” a small and grateful smile graced his face. Ben leaned his head against hers and simply basked in her presence and love to regain his strength and bearings.

Rey supported him and gave him the time he needed, then Ben put a little bit of space between them. He took her hands into his, and slowly stroked her knuckles with his thump, his gaze solely focused on the small movements. In a silent voice, he began, “I often have nightmares – rarely this bad and usually not, when we sleep together, but this night seems to be an exception.” He sighed. “They are always about my parents, my uncle, or Snoke.” Ben fell silent again.

Rey regarded him questioningly. “I can understand why you have nightmares about Snoke, but what have your parents or Luke to do with it?” Rey inquired. She had met Ben shortly before he had left Snoke’s law firm. They had a huge argument in a courthouse after she had literally run into him. Rey had recognized him as an associate of Snoke’s – even if she only had known him as Kylo Ren then. She had had a setback in a case where she was on the opposite side of Hux fighting an unlawful eviction notice of a family of immigrants, and therefore had reacted furiously and used their run-in to let off steam. 5 months later she had met him again.

* * *

12 months ago

The gala in remembrance of the disbandment of the Rebellion – the predecessor of the Resistance, the organization where Rey worked who provided support, like legal advice and group counseling, for low-income families and persons – 30 years ago, was well underway. Rey was chatting with Wes Antilles, who had worked with Luke for the Rebellion when she saw Kylo Ren standing on the side of the rather large crowd.

She couldn’t conceive, how an associate working for Snoke, had gotten access to this event. Snoke and his firm were advocating and working against everything, that the Rebellion and the Resistance stood for. Apologizing herself, Rey angrily marched towards the tall, dark figure wearing an expensive, good-looking suit. Next to him were Cassian Andor-Erso and Jyn Erso. Their law office had specialized in taking cases defending people with mental illnesses and children.

She couldn’t fathom why they both would converse with someone like Kylo Ren. Rogue One, Cassian and Jyn’s law firm, and the Resistance weren’t on the best of terms, but shared history and worked towards similar goals and shared most values. Kylo Ren had seen her, shortly before she got to him. Rey saw him murmuring something, that looked like “Shit.” Then she stood before him and began calling him out.

“I can’t believe, that you have the gall to appear here and today. You have no right to come 100 feet near the fine people, that are here today. You, absolute piece of shit. Shame on you. Do you have any regret for the pain you cause, the lives that you destroy? You should leave now, before Leia or someone else sees you and will drag you out of here.” In her anger she had completely ignored everyone around her, and only when Jyn put her hand on her shoulder and angrily told Rey to shut the fuck up, she had stopped.

Jyn stepped in front of her. “You have no right of talking to him like that. You don’t know who he is. You don’t know his story. You come up here like some self-righteous warrior defending the ‘innocent and virtuous people’ gathering here. You don’t know fuck about the history of the Rebellion or the Resistance, you know only what they will tell you, how they portray themselves. Ben has every right to be here, he has definitely more rights than you to be here.”

Rey was horrified. She couldn’t understand, how Jyn could step up for someone like Kylo Ren, she had always admired her and her husband’s work. Full of disbelief, Rey stared at the women, that had planted herself between her and Kylo. “How could you defend him? He is Kylo Ren!” she asked her incredulously.

Before Jyn could answer her, Kylo stopped her and stepped beside her. “I understand your reaction to me being here, Miss Niima. It is justified, especially from your point of view. I’d many mistakes in my life, working for Snoke may even not be the worst, but I left him nearly 4 months ago and am now Part of Rogue One. Maybe there I can do a little bit of good in this world to counteract all the bad things I was, directly and indirectly, responsible for.”

At his words, Cassian muttered, “If only some people would take that as an example and follow it,” but Rey was too transfixed by how different the person in front of her acted, that she didn’t notice his comment. Then Kylo Ren continued, “And I want to properly introduce myself to you. Kylo Ren was only an alias, given to me so I had no direct link to my family. My real name is Ben Solo – well there are some middle names and stuff, but they are rather unimportant at this moment. I am glad to meet you, Miss Niima. As I understand you work directly for my mother, that is very impressive, particularly for someone as young as you are.”

Rey tried to process all the information, she just got from Kylo Ren – no Ben Solo, as he had just explained. Solo – and she worked for his mother. Rey stared silently at Ben. But she works for Leia, Rey thought, Leia has never mentioned a son, so maybe Ben meant someone else? Then the scales fell from her eyes. Leia must have omitted the fact, that she was a mother. Evidently, the man in front of her was the only – well as far as Rey knew – son of Leia Organa and Han Solo.

Revulsion emerged inside Rey. “Then you are even worse than I thought. How could you work for Snoke? You must have known what his former boss Palpatine did to your family. Don’t you have any grain of loyalty in your bones? Betraying your family like that… You… You are a monster.”

Before Jyn and Cassian could react, a strange look passed through Ben’s eyes. “Yes, I am.” Not expecting his answer, Rey stayed silent. Cassian regained his bearings the fastest. “Jyn please take Ben home, he doesn’t have to stay here any longer.” He turned towards Ben. “You showed up today, that was good. That was important. But I think you should go home now, don’t overextend yourself.” Jyn took Ben’s arm and led him to the exit. Then Cassian turned to Rey. “Don’t ever talk to him like that again. If you can’t refrain yourself, I have to ask you to ignore him and distance yourself from him every time you see him.” Without giving her a chance to answer, he left Rey, where she stood and disappeared in the same reaction, Ben and Jyn had gone.

* * *

Over the following 4 months, Ben and Rey's paths crossed many times. She slowly recognized who Ben truly was, she discovered the person who had hid behind Kylo Ren. First, both had tried to ignore each other, but that got more complicated when Ben met with Leia or appeared at dinner and parties at his parent’s house. Rey saw how Ben nearly folded himself in half hugging his mother when he greeted her or said goodbye. She saw him talking about cars with Han and Chewbacca and sharing whiskey with them.

The first time they spoke with each other, was seven weeks after the gala when Rey said a gentle “Good-bye, Ben” to him. She had decided to break their unspoken agreement not to talk to each other after she had observed him in a quiet moment when Ben thought no one was watching him and had studied his parents with a fond and soft look in his eyes and shy, a small smile on his lips. This time Rey wasn’t filled with anger or rage, like the last two times she had spoken with Ben. This time she sensed, that there was more to him than she had previously known. The next day, Ben had walked through the door of her office.

* * *

10,5 months ago

Rey heard a cautious knock on her door. She sighed. Her break was in a few minutes and she wanted to spend it alone walking through the park. She often enjoyed the company of others, because she had been alone for a long time, but every now and then Rey needed time alone to regenerate. Her friends and co-workers didn’t always understand this.

“Come in,” Rey called through the door. When neither Finn nor Rose walked through the door, but a rather large, gorgeous man in a suit, she was surprised. “Ben, what are you doing here?” she asked him. He seemed rather nervous and his jaw clenched. Then he looked at her.

“Hi, Rey. Sorry for just barging in. Ehm. I was wondering – and you can totally say no – but – and I know that you know that you can say no, I just wanted to make clear, that I know, that you know, that you can say no, obviously you don’t need my permission to say no – I was just hoping, that maybe we could talk, you know? About us? – not that there is an ‘us’, but ‘us’ as in the stuff that is between us. Maybe stuff is the wrong word, more like talk about the things I did, before I left Snoke, the things you are angry about – which is totally okay, he is awful and the things they do are horrible. I just want to clear the air between us and maybe you want that, too?” Uncertain, Ben observed her. Rey sat in her chair behind her desk and blinked at him unable to process his ramblings.

“I just thought – yesterday you said your first word to me, since that gala incident. We had never talked with each other after that, but yesterday you said good-bye, so I thought maybe you… maybe you would be okay with talking about things, but if you’re not, that is okay, too – I, I can just leave.” A dejected look spread on his face.

This spurred Rey into actually answering Ben. “No, no. We can talk. Yeah, let’s do that. I have a break right now – if you have time, we can talk or if you haven’t you can just e-mail me or text me and we can meet or talk or something like that…” At the end of her sentence, she got quieter and quieter, meeting Ben outside of work or his family house seemed weird. The last time she met with someone who wasn’t a good friend, was almost three years ago. Rey hoped Ben would talk with her no. The thought of going out with him – maybe to a restaurant or café – let her mind to push images of romantic dates with a dark and tall man towards her.

Luckily Ben agreed to talk with her, during her break. Rey nodded towards the chair in front of her desk and gingerly he sat down. “Do you mind if I eat my lunch,” she asked him. Rey had decided to try to be polite, but she would eat regardless of whether he minded it or not. Though Ben simply shook his head and pulled a salad out of his briefcase and joined her.

Ben ate a few bites and then put his fork down. He wrung his hands together and then started to speak. “I never should have worked for Snoke. I never should have stayed with him as long as I have. I knew I was doing something wrong, but I didn’t have the courage to leave him. I am trying to remedy the bad I caused through working with Jyn and Cass, reconnecting with my parents, but I know that there are many things I can’t undo, and I will carry that with me as long as I live. I am sorry for all my mistakes, and I hope people can see the person, who I am, and not only who I tried to be, but I also understand that that isn’t always possible.”

For a long time, Rey just looked at Ben, trying to gauge everything that wasn’t to be seen on the surface. Then she nodded and answered. “Thank you for telling me this. And I am glad, that you took these steps. And I will try to not let myself be blinded by the person you were. Actually, I think I already started seeing you for who you are, or else I wouldn’t have talked to you yesterday.” A small smile formed on her face. “I know I was harsh to you at the gala. I didn’t know who you were and that you had left Snoke, but I won’t apologize.” Rey wasn’t sure how Ben would react to that, but she felt justified in her reaction at the time. But Ben accepted her words. “I wouldn’t have stopped Jyn if I thought that there was no merit to your judgment.”

Rey was curious if Ben would tell her more, she still remembered that feeling she had yesterday at his parent’s house, that there was more to him, than she knew. She never had asked Leia nor Han nor Luke, why they never told her about their son or their nephew. Poe had told her a story about an angry and ungrateful son, who never appreciated his family and had only caused problems, who had rejected a position in his parents’ company or to do a doctorate in law under his uncle.

Rey had no problems identifying that description, with how she had perceived Kylo Ren, but after seeing Ben, again and again, she discovered discrepancies between what she was told about him and how he behaved. Kylo Ren had appeared older than the 30 years, that Ben really was, observing him now, she noticed how young he looked sometimes as if a sad, lost child shined through his rough and hard exterior.

“Could you tell me why you did it – working for Snoke?” Rey asked him cautiously trying to banish every malice out of her voice. Sadness and regret weighing heavy in his eyes, Ben looked down. “I was an angry child, I got in a lot of problems. Then I lived with my uncle and we never saw eye to eye, always argued with each other. I wanted to make it on my own, build my own future without the names, fame, and legacy of my family. Snoke gave me an opportunity and I took it. I thought he was the only one, who didn’t care about where I come from, but that was a lie. He gave me a new name and I separated myself from my family, but every time I hadn't met his expectations he ascribed that to my parents – and then – roughly half a year ago – he wanted to use me to destroy my mother in a high-profile case. But I couldn’t do that. That was the final straw. Snoke and I yelled at each other and I quit.”

Rey took everything in Ben had said. “You quit because you didn’t want to do something illegal to help him win his case?” He nodded. “He wanted me to fabricate stuff to discredit them. It would have destroyed my father and possibly my mother. And it didn’t help, that I hadn’t been in the office for three days before that meeting. The situation escalated. And I finally quit.”

Slowly pieces of the puzzle, that was Ben, his past and his family, got together, and yet, there still seemed to be a big chunk missing, but the picture was more and more identifiable. “Where had you been?” Ben seemed to ponder his answer as if wondering if he could tell her. “I was in the hospital. I had a breakdown while I was grocery shopping. Hadn’t slept for days. Hadn’t eaten or drunken enough. I was only unconscious for a short amount of time, but they kept me in the hospital to observe my vitals. Snoke didn’t like it, that I wasn’t working.”

Rey was furious. “What a gigantic, nasty, disgusting asshole!” Ben chuckled sarcastically. “Yeah, he is! And that isn’t even the worst. He is a predator. He preys on vulnerable people. He got to me when I was shortly before I left school. Snoke searches for students, who get in trouble a lot, but have good or decent grades and then he worms himself into their lives. He uses them, gaslights them, deceives and deludes until you’re so deep, that you can’t get out. Hux was abused by his father – he was the son of a mistress, and his father never accepted him. Snoke got Hux to incriminate his father, because of some illegal stuff he did. He lives Snoke’s ideology. Snoke is so deep in his mind, I don’t think Hux will ever be free of him or the First Order. I tried to talk to Hux after I had left, but it was impossible. Phasma – I don’t even know how he got to her. She is more disciplined, more ruthless than anyone else, but at the same time, she seems to see through every deception, every game Snoke plays. I have no clue, why she works for him. My assistant – Mitaka – he…” Ben chuckled dejectedly. “He was just a boy who made a stupid decision, because he didn’t know better. He was never happy working for the First Order, he was afraid of me. He quit right after me, he simply needed someone to show him, that leaving was possible. I talk with him from time to time. My therapist recommended it. We have some similarities, we understand each other. It helps.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the first chapter. The next chapter will be uploaded in two or three days, there you will learn more about Ben's past - it is the chapter, where I needed to stop writing again and again because I couldn't see the screen because I couldn't stop making myself cry.


	2. I Got You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Rey's past was revealed in the first chapter - and now she discovers his past with Leia, Han, and Luke. What happened to Ben that he is still haunted by it today?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally this story was planned as two chapters, but impulsively I divided it into three, which may have been the wrong decision, therefore I have uploaded the second one today and not in 2-3 days. Hopefully, it will improve the reading experience and make the story more concise and clear.

After that day their attitude towards each other had changed slowly, but significantly. When they met at Leia and Han’s they talked more and more. They discovered similar interests in books and movies. When something about Rey’s past came up in conversation, Ben never judged her, but instead seemed to get her unlike anyone else. He understood her need for time alone after outings with large groups, he respected habits of hers, that had formed out of years of loneliness and hardship in the foster system, and didn’t make fun of them, as the others did sometimes.

At some point they had exchanged phone numbers, then they drove to dinners or brunch at Ben’s parents together. And two and a half months after their talk in her office, Ben asked her out on a date. They had a wonderful time together, got closer and closer, kissed, kissed some more and spent more and more nights with each other.

Rey had opened up about her past and Ben did the same – at least about the things, that concerned his history with Snoke or general stuff about his youth – he had been the stereotypical emo kid, who only wore black and had obscure hobbies – calligraphy and obscure myths. But never had Rey noticed his nightmares and never did he mention that his parents or his uncle were a part of them. He never alluded, that there was history with his parents, that continued to haunt him.

Rey had noticed the lack of stories about his parents and Luke but had assumed, that Ben had been too estranged from them from a very early point on in his life. She never expected the things, that Ben told her that night.

* * *

In the Night

“I can understand why you have nightmares about Snoke, but what have your parents and Luke to do with it?” Rey asked. Ben kept holding her hands in his lap. Tears began to stream from his eyes. “I never wanted to tell you this. You really like my parents and they really like you. You deserve each other. You deserve to be happy, without the burden of my past with them.” Cautiously Rey extricated her hands from Ben’s and brought them up to his face to caress his cheeks, slowly wiping away his tears. A soft “Ben…” escaped her mouth and she choked on the word.

He was unable to look her into the eyes and fixed his on the small space, that existed between them. Gentle, but determinate Rey lifted Ben’s head, when she was sure, that he was focused on her, she continued to speak. “Ben, I love you. I love you so much. If something is hurting you, I want to know about it. If you have nightmares, I want to protect you from them. But… But I can’t do that if I don’t know what is torturing you.” By now, Rey was crying, too. Ben’s pain was so visible in his eyes and it was as if his hurt echoed in her and she wanted nothing more, than cradle him into her arms and keep all the bad things away from him.

Ben seemed to search for something in her eyes, and when he must have found it, he took a deep breath. “If you ask people, that knew me in my childhood and my youth, they’ll always tell you, that I wasn’t an easy child, that I was angry and difficult. They’ll tell you about my poor parents, who had to handle and raise me.” Ben took Rey’s hands, that still stroked over his cheeks, in his again as if they gave him the strength to go on. “And they aren’t lying. I was difficult. I was angry. But… But I was a child.” A sob broke through his mouth. “I was just a child. And I was so alone. All the time, since I was six or seven years old. I remember missing practicing braiding hair or reading with my mother, playing cards with my father, or working on the Falcon with him.

“With my first day at school, they obviously deemed me old enough to stay alone. And it wasn’t as if they were always home in the years before, but they took time out of their busy schedule to spent time with their child, with me. But suddenly they didn’t anymore. As if they weren’t loving me, anymore. And… And I know that they love me, but they didn’t show me, that they did – and I was just this little kid. I had no friends, the other students made fun of my looks, of my hobbies. And I had no one to talk to. I... I was just like some scared child sitting alone in the dark.”

Telling his story seemed to free Ben. His grief combined itself with anger and frustration. Rey tried to process everything he told her. She knew of the busy life that Leia and Han led, but she had never thought about, what that had meant for little Ben. His parents always acted lovingly and supportive towards her – and she had assumed, that they would to the same – or likely even more – to their own and only son. Before she had gotten closer to Ben, she had thought of him as ungrateful for leaving his parents; then she had seen, that there was more to the picture; but hearing the full story, made her understand Ben and his actions more and more. While her thoughts were racing through her head, Ben had stopped talking.

Rey looked at him. “So, you’re reliving this loneliness in your nightmares?” In answer to her question Ben first shook his head, then nodded. “It’s obviously part of it, but not really the main part. It’s always the screaming matches we had because I had acted out in school. I was a lonely kid, I was bullied, and I never had anyone show me how to handle these situations with all these conflicting emotions, so I got into fights or ran away. But no one would listen to me. All these grand footsteps, that everyone told me to follow, were weighing down on me. I couldn’t be myself. Not the lonely moments are repeated in my nightmares, but the few instances, where we were all together but only fought with each other. Or… Or other nights it is the moment, where they sent me away.”

“To Luke’s school?” Rey asked. Ben nodded. “It haunts me. As if they couldn’t even stand me living with them in one house – as if I wasn’t their child anymore. And in Luke’s school, nothing changed – I still was ostracized and no one did anything. Luke thought it was unprofessional to act like my uncle when he was the principal at the same time. I was in this unknown place, without any friends, without my parents and my only family member acted as if I wasn’t his nephew. I never felt more alone.”

Rey’s heart broke seeing how small Ben got. A 6’3’’ men shouldn’t be able to look so small, but he did. Folded into himself, it was as if his body tried to reenact his 13-year old self. In a small whisper, Ben spoke: “And that was when Snoke got to me…” Rey was unsure if she had understood him right. She couldn’t fathom, what an old and nasty piece of shit like Snoke could want with an innocent and lost 13-year old boy – and then a cold fear filled her. Trembling she asked Ben: “Did you just say, that you met Snoke when you were 13-year old?” A new wave of tears rolled from his eyes and he nodded repeatedly. “There was this boxing club. The psychologist at Luke’s school thought it would do me good. Let all my anger out – and basically, it wasn’t a bad idea if it wasn’t for Snoke. The physical exertion was good, I liked that, but the rest… the rest was torture. But I wasn’t at a healthy point then, hadn’t been for long. And he offered me companionship and acknowledgment of my achievements. He offered to teach me how to defend myself, how to become a man. I thought I could find everything, that I had always wanted. I was so wrong.”

Rey still didn’t know, what Snoke exactly had done to Ben, how deep Snoke’s depravity reached, but she also didn’t know how to ask, and if she should ask him. Beneath all her fear for little Ben, compassion for him today and sorrow for the pain he had experienced and that still haunted him, anger and fury rose. Parents should be there for their children, listen to them, and protect them. Not push them away. Pretending they don’t know them. Leia and Han clearly knew how to support and love people. They had proved that with her and others, like Poe and Finn, with whom they were close. It should have been easy and natural to extend that same compassion to Ben.

Lost in her thoughts, Rey nearly missed Ben beginning to speak again. “There was this fascist youth group, where some people from the boxing club went to – and I joined them. Not for their political views – God no. I never participated in their political actions. But it was the first place, where I experienced a sense of community in my youth. I could vent about my parents, about Luke. They accepted me for who I was – at least I thought that. But everything they – Snoke – offered me was conditional. I was sucked into denouncing my family, having to accept – at least superficially – Snoke’s beliefs. There was a point, where I thought I should get out – and I tried – but there wasn’t anyone, who would help me. Luke wouldn’t talk to me, communication with my parents was inexistent, the psychologist pushed me to not quit boxing and Snoke didn’t want me to leave – I thought the only way left was to fully commit to them, to him.

Snoke wanted me to become a lawyer for him and he helped me with everything – internships at his firm, private tutoring, recommendation letters, … His methods were cruel – emotional and physical. He tormented me. And because of everything I had to survive, I got stronger. It went on for years – until the night before my graduation. Luke had loosened up a few days before, asked what I had planned after graduation – there still was this legacy, he wanted me to fulfill. We fought, we screamed at each other, when I told him, that I had everything handled thanks to Snoke. I thought we would go back to ignoring each other. I was so wrong.”

With teary eyes, Ben looked at Rey. The look in his eyes let her gulp. The relief that had filled her, when she had been convinced that there were some boundaries even Snoke hadn’t crossed while abusing young Ben, left her in a rush. She had never seen that look in his eyes. She almost couldn’t describe the mixture of emotions that was visible there. A deep-seated fear, all-encompassing loneliness, and complete resignation. Rey almost wanted to tell Ben to stop – as if the pain, he went through, would disappear, if she didn’t know about it. But she couldn’t ask him that – and she didn’t want to – she needed to hear the rest of it.

* * *

In the Morning:

Rey bristled at Han’s words. “That attitude is exactly, why I’m here. You all have to fucking stop.” He looked taken aback. “Come on kid, just joking.”

Rey’s glare had such fury and strength in it, that Han took a step back. “Are they, Han? Are they just jokes?” She snarled. Leia observed the two cautiously. “Rey.” She warned the seething, young woman, which prompted her to turn her focus onto Ben’s mother. “Oh, Leia… Don’t you ‘Rey’ me!”

“Maybe you could calmly explain to us the reason for your visit, dear. You have us at a loss here.” Leia tried to regain control over their conversation. Rey laughed disparagingly. “Did you know, I always thought of you as one of the best parents a child could have? I was so angry at Ben… no, at Kylo. I was so angry at Kylo for throwing away his family, because back then I thought there could be no better place to grow up, than in the Solo-Organa-household. But boy, was I wrong.” Her laugh turned frustrated and disappointed.

“Rey, Han and I are both willing to listen to you, but you have to control your hostility. This is no way to converse with each other.” This was the last straw, that led to Rey truly losing her control. Darkness seemed to swirl around her, even though they stood in a well-lit kitchen. Rey appeared bigger than she was, and her rage was palpable in the air. Her voice got increasingly louder.

“I just spent almost the whole night consoling your son, Leia! Because he was tortured by nightmares. He screamed in his sleep. And not unintelligible words, no, this nightmare was so strong and so familiar he spoke clearly while being asleep. He was tormented. We slept in each other arms and he was tormented. Our bed, our arms should be safe places, but he was suffering.” Tears sprung from Rey’s eyes – neither of Ben’s parents dared to move or disrupt her passionate speech. Rey took a breath and voice turned more inwards. “And I thought, that he would have nightmares about Snoke, that would be understandable, that man is horrifying.” Rey’s gaze wandered back to Leia and Han. “Do you want to know, what his nightmare was about? Do you want to know who is guilty of haunting him in his sleep? Do you want to know who is able to reduce my lovable, strong, and beautiful boyfriend to a sobbing and crying piece of mess?”

Rey took her time to take both their reactions in. Han’s arrogance and nonchalance were gone and replaced by a nervous tenseness. Leia had become completely silent, a stricken look on her face and tears running down her face. Rey’s rhetoric question was answered by her presence in their house and attitude towards them. Normally Rey would have been empathetic towards their emotions, but she knew Han and Leia need to face their own mistakes.

The room was completely quiet, so Rey didn’t need to put any volume into her voice when she continued. “You. You are in his nightmares. He relives his childhood with you. You leaving him alone, when he was just a small child. You not believing him, when he tells you about school. You not loving him for who he was. You berating him for not being who he could be. You only spending time with him to chastise him. You always choosing something else over him. You sending him away.

On and on Ben reexperiences these memories, all this pain. You hurt a little boy so much, that 20 years later, he is still tormented by it, your son lives in the constant fear, that he will lose you, that you will choose something else over him, that you will send him away because you did it once, who says you won’t do it again?”

The atmosphere in the room had gotten heavy when Rey stopped talking. Han saw the anguish, that Leia was in and the tears streaming down her face and took one of her hands in his. “Princess…” He choked. Leia looked at him. “My poor boy.” She began to sob, and Han rounded the table, where they sat to embrace and hold his wife. At that moment Luke entered the room.

“What is going on here?” he asked thunderstruck. He looked back and forth between his sister and brother-in-law and Rey. Luke jumped to conclusions, “What happened? What did Ben do?” That comment set Rey’s reaction off. “You little fucking shit,” She called him and with two big steps, she towered in front of him. She raised her hand and slapped Luke across the face.

Multiple things happened at the same time. Han ran to Rey to hold her back because she had risen her arm again. Luke screamed. “What the hell? What has gotten into you?” Rey just spat in his face and seethed. “Don’t pretend you didn’t deserve that – if not more.” At this comment, Leia looked up towards her brother. “What is she talking about, Luke?”

* * *

In the Night:

“I hadn’t had a party the night before my graduation, because – well – I had no one to party with. So, I went to bed early. At that time, I was constantly exhausted and when I could sleep, I was glad about it. But then I woke up in the middle of the night.” Ben choked and his voice lost its dark timbre and he sounded like Rey imagine he did as a boy before his puberty vocal change. “He just stood there and pointed this rifle at me. I… I didn’t know what to do. I scrambled out of my bed. I wanted to run. I wanted to cry. He just stood there with that rifle. He was pointing it at me. Then he spoke. ‘You would be better off dead than working for Snoke.’ He said. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know if he would really kill me. I threw a book at him to distract him, a shot went through the room, then I wrestled his rifle from him and hit him in the head with it. He fell to the floor – unconscious – there was blood and I fled.”

All these words rushed out of him. It seemed as if all strength had left Ben’s body and he fell forward. Rey barely managed to hold his giant trembling body in her arms. Ben continued to murmur between his sobs, but everything he said was incomprehensible. She cradled his head against her chest and one hand soothingly caressed his back, while she laid her head on his hand and whispered encouraging words to him and told him, that she loved him and that she would always protect him.

It took a long time until Ben calmed down again. Rey quickly got up to bring a washcloth and softly cleaned his face. “This was the first time I told someone that story,” He said quietly. They sat next to each other in their bed, leaning against the headboard, Ben’s head was on her shoulder. Rey intertwined their fingers. “Thank you for trusting me and telling me all this,” she responded. Ben turned his head on her shoulder a little bit to be able to look her in the eyes. “I love you, Rey.” A single tear rolled out of her eye. Rey leaned down to kiss him, but before their lips connected, she whispered. “I love you, too. Now, tomorrow and every day that’ll come.” They went back to cuddling with each other, basking in each other’s presence after the taxing night both had.

“I never wanted to destroy that image you had of my parents. I always wanted you to be able to see them like they treated you, and not taint it with my past with them.” Rey decided, that she wanted to have this conversation with Ben face-to-face. So, she swung her leg over his and sat on his thighs. She held his face in her hands and looked him in his eyes. “Ben, listen to me. You didn’t destroy anything. I love you. I want to live my life with you. I want to know all the things that are important to you. I want to know all the things that happened to you. I want to protect you from people, that mistreat you. I will not let anybody treat you unjustly. Even and especially if these people are or should be your family.” Ben nodded and in his eyes shone such wonder and love, Rey felt butterflies in her stomach.

“I know that I wasn’t nice to you in the beginning, Ben. But I always want to treat people, like they are and not as they have been. I was so happy when I got to know you and you were so different from what I thought. And I had so guilty for misjudging you. And after we got together, I knew…” Rey choked. “I knew there had to be some things you weren’t telling me. But I chose to ignore it, maybe they weren’t that important, and time would come, where you shared them. I never thought that you wanted to protect me. I am so sorry, Ben. For being so fucking mean to you at the gala. For thinking, you enjoyed working for Snoke. For accusing you of intentionally hurting your parents. I am so sorry. I promise you; I’ll always be at your side. I will always have your back. No matter what, you’ll never have to be alone again.”

Ben slowly moved his head forward and caught her lips in a gentle kiss, pouring all his love into the gesture. “Neither will you, Rey,” he said, their lips still almost touching, and his eyes fiercely locked with hers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The concluding chapter will be uploaded on the weekend.


	3. Let's heal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter concludes our story. How did Rey handle encountering Luke at Ben's parent's house? What will Rey tell Ben after getting back to him? What will Leia and Han do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was not the usual style I use for my stories, but I really wanted to tell it and explicitly in that way. I hope some of you enjoyed it. :)

In the Morning:

Rey just spat in Luke’s face and seethed. “Don’t pretend you didn’t deserve that – if not more.” At this comment, Leia looked up towards her brother. “What is she talking about, Luke?” Luke rolled his eyes. “I bet Ben told her some made-up story. That boy is always trouble – he never liked me. He probably misconstrued some argument we had, when he lived with me.”

Until Luke had answered his sister, Rey continued to struggle against Han’s hold, but now she stood completely calm. Her voice full of silent fury, she turned towards Ben’s father. “Let go of me, Han,” Rey commanded and with an unsure look, Han released her, but his hands still hovered next to her, should she try to attack Luke again.

Rey’s focus was now solely on the smaller man that stood a few feet away from her. “You’re really gonna stand there, pretending you didn’t majorly fuck up? You really have the audacity to pretend you are not a major factor of Ben leaving his family and working for Snoke? I despise you.” Rey spat on the floor in front of Luke. “Because of you, a lonely boy lost himself completely. You were the last thing that could have stopped him from falling under Snoke’s hold, but instead, you pushed him away. You have no right of calling yourself his uncle. For years you acted like he was just some random boy going to your school.” At these words, Luke interrupted her. “I couldn’t show any favoritism, Rey. That would have been unprofessional. And that boy needed some serious help from a professional.”

“You have an excuse for everything, don’t you Luke?” Rey stalked around the room as if he was her prey. “All these excuses because you all three don’t want to face the fact how you all failed young Ben. You all left him alone. You didn’t listen to him. You sent him away. Made him feel unlovable, unworthy. You sowed the bad fruit, that Snoke then harvested.” Rey had traversed through the whole room and was now on the other side of Luke from where she had started. “Tell me, Luke, what is your excuse for threatening Ben with a loaded rifle, while he was asleep?”

Leia’s head shot up. All the anguish that had been visible was lost and the anger that had replaced it was indescribable. “You did what, Luke?” With a placating gesture, Luke turned to his sister. “I just wanted him to stop meeting with Snoke. Ben told me he would work for him. I didn’t want to let that happen. You know how evil Snoke is. Ben was becoming the same. I needed to stop him from hurting everyone who loves him. The rifle may have been a tad too much, I know that. It was a lapse of judgment, but I would never hurt him.” Rey shoved Luke in Han’s direction, who was oddly silent. “You told him he would be better off dead!” She screamed at him.

“Leave my house now, Luke,” Leia told him. Aghast Luke just stared at her. “Leia, come on…” He whispered. Out of nowhere Han’s fist connected with his face. Blood sprayed out of Luke’s mouth. “She told you to leave, Luke. And don’t you dare come near my son again.” Heartbroken Luke turned around and left through the front door.

For a few moments, it was totally silent. Then Rey turned to Han and Leia. In comparison to Luke’s heartbrokenness, both parents looked even worse. Tears were flowing from Leia’s eyes again and Han seemed to be completely lost. The exertion of last night and this morning caught up with Rey and she looked completely exhausted.

“Ben knows, that he made mistakes. He does so much to make amends. He quit Snoke because he refused to tell him secrets that Snoke could use to defeat you in a court case. He goes to therapy; he pours his heart in his work with Cassian and Jyn. Ben searched for all the people, he hurt while working for Snoke and offers his help, if they want it. He reconnected with you two. He tries his best with Luke. He even didn’t want to tell me of his past, because it would inflict on my image of you.

Now it is your time to atone. You should have done this months ago. You should have never sent him away, never left him, but that is in the past, and can’t be changed, but you can change how you’ll go forward from this day on. Ben did his part to heal your relationship – now it’s your turn.”

Both, Leia and Han, looked at her – there were acceptance and determination in their eyes. “We will, Rey, we will,” Leia promised. Rey returned her look. “I really hope so, Leia. Because right now, if you don’t do that, I don’t know if I ever want to see you again. I love Ben, he is my family, he is my priority, he is mine and I am his and you hurt him and if you are continuing to hurt him… I won’t accept that.” Then Rey turned around and left their house to drive back to Ben.

* * *

In the Night:

After they had relished in the comfort of each other’s body, Rey and Ben got up to begin their day. Normally they spent their Saturday mornings in bed, but today they wanted to escape the lingering heaviness of their nightly conversation. They stayed as close to each other as they could to take strength and reassurance from their intimacy.

“What do you need today,” Rey asked Ben. “Just you,” he answered. A small smile formed on her face, but Rey also noticed that Ben got more and more twitchy. One of his feet tapped restlessly on the floor. “Do you want to go to the gym? Just focus on some simple tasks, getting everything out, and then after that, we spend the day together?” she suggested. Ben thought about her plan, gave her a little kiss, and nodded. “Yeah, that sounds good, sweetheart.”

They took their time to get ready for the day. The remnants of last night slowly left Ben and he packed his bag and went to the gym. Rey waited a few minutes and then went to her car to drive to Ben’s parents. She hadn’t told him of her plan, but she would after she returned. There was no way she would simply stand by, while his parents continued to treat Ben as if he were the only one who made mistakes. She loved him. He was hers. And she always fiercely protected what was hers.

* * *

In the Morning:

On her way back, Rey consciously drove more carefully, than she used to. She knew, that she was still agitated and exhausted and she didn’t want to cause an accident. Wondering if Ben would already be back from the gym, she parked her car in front of their apartment and left it.

She was glad, that she was alone when she entered through the door and prepared everything for her and Ben’s day on the couch. They would just cuddle and watch movies together, maybe kiss a little, maybe do a little bit more.

Rey was never bored by spending a whole day doing nothing with Ben and she knew he felt the same. Both had fallen hard for each other after they had surmounted their initial difficulties. However, Rey knew, that she had to tell Ben about her visiting his parents – it wouldn’t be right to hide that from him and the consequences of her visit seemed to be big enough, that it would be impossible to do so.

Rey sat on the couch and a few minutes later Ben came through their door. He looked better than two hours ago, when both had left, more relaxed and at ease with himself. When he leaned down to her and kissed her, she recognized, that he must have showered at the gym. He smelled like a deep, green forest after the rain, woody, earthly and homely.

Rey pulled him down on top of her to keep kissing him and he settled between her legs. Her arms were around his neck, while he firmly held onto her waist to steady himself. They relished in the touch of their lips, moving against each other, their whole bodies lining up with each other, connected from toe to head.

When Ben disconnected his lips from hers and his eyes locked onto hers, she murmured a soft “Hi” to him. “Hey, sweetheart,” Ben whispered back. Rey moved her hands from his neck and sunk them into his hair, and slowly massaged his scalp. Ben closed his eyes to enjoy that sensation. “Ben?” Rey asked. She only got an affirmative hum as an answer. “I visited your parents when you were at the gym.” Rey bit her lip, a little bit nervous about his reaction. One confused eye of Ben’s opened. With a frown, he regarded her but didn’t say anything.

“They have to acknowledge their mistakes, too, Ben. You can’t be the only one trying to heal your wounds. They can’t get away with just trying to ignore their past. I won’t let people hurt you.” Rey’s eyes flickered over Ben’s face, trying to gauge his reaction. He had opened both eyes now and observed her. There was a strange emotion in them that Rey couldn’t decipher. “Ben, they all hurt you. They hurt you really, really bad… And I… I can’t accept that. I won’t accept that. No one is allowed to hurt you anymore.” Rey’s eyes were teary.

“What did you tell them?” Ben asked her. Rey began to tell him about her conversation with his parents and how she tried to not tell them too much of things, he might not want them to know. “And how did they react?” Ben seemed to be concerned. They were sitting upright now again, but still so close to each other, that Rey could run her hands soothingly across his thighs.

“Leia cried a lot. Han was devastated. I think both tried to ignore and repress everything that had happened. I think they didn’t want to acknowledge how much they hurt the person they both love most. But they know now, that they can’t run away anymore. And I think they don’t want to try anymore.” Ben pondered over her answer. His eyes losing itself in the room. Then he turned back to her. “That’s a good thing isn’t it?” Rey nodded. “Yeah, I think so.”

Ben’s hand wandered to Rey’s, which was on his thigh. He laid it on top of hers and his thump slowly moved back on forth over her knuckles. “I wonder,” he began, his eyes following the movement of his thump. “I wonder if they would believe me about the incident with Luke. I never told them. Never got the chance – and I don’t think Luke ever told them the truth.” Ben looked back up to her face. Rey blushed.

“I think that problem is solved.” She cringed a little bit. Ben tilted his head in question. Quietly Rey continued. “Luke was there. And he came into the room when Leia was crying. And he… He just assumed you did something, that you caused this. And I… I just lost it. I hit him. And I would have hit him again if Han hadn’t held me back.” Ben looked stunned. “You hit my uncle?”

Rey fixed Ben with a fierce, determined stare. “Yes, I did. He almost killed you. And then he pretended like everything was your fault. No, I won’t let that happen. That old fart can choke on rotten mushrooms until he comes crawling back asking for forgiveness, for all that I care.” A multitude of emotions run through Ben’s face. A small grin was briefly visible, then disbelief again and finally concern. “What did he and my parents do?”

“Luke tried to deny everything after I told them what he did. But when he defended himself by stating, that he never intended to kill you, he couldn’t deny it anymore. Leia told him to leave and when Luke didn’t, Han hit him – then Luke left.”

Ben made a noise of surprise. Both were quiet for several minutes, while Ben processed everything Rey told him. Then he leaned forward to catch her lips in a gentle kiss. “Thank you, Rey. For standing up for me.” Rey’s hand came up to his cheek, her thumb running over the bone beneath it. “I got you and you got me.” Ben smile at her, then dipped his head to kiss her again. “I love you, sweetheart.” “And I love you”, she responded.

* * *

The following Morning:

After spending the whole Saturday inside, they planned to go out on Sunday – the weather was nice and they could go to a park, have a picnic and just wander around. But these plans were derailed in the morning. Ben had gone into the shower, while Rey was preparing their breakfast when there was a knock on the door. She had expected many things, but not Ben’s parents waiting on the other side of the door – not today, merely 24 hours after they had talked – or more accurately: after Rey had let loose on them.

“What are you doing here?” Rey asked brusquely instead of a greeting, but neither of them seemed to mind her impoliteness. Leia simply replied that they had talked the entirety of the last day and didn’t want to wait unnecessarily to begin the process of mending their relationship with their son from their end. Rey decided to accept the explanation and allowed Leia and Han to enter.

Walking into the apartment, Han asked Rey, if she had told Ben about her visit yesterday. Rey didn’t know how she should understand his question and if both thought, they could hide this from Ben, so they appeared as if they came out of their own volition. “Of course, I told him. Did you seriously think I wouldn’t?” Leia sensed her beginning indignation and placated her with a gentle smile. “No, actually were glad, that you told him, then he is already up to speed.” Her words calmed Rey down again.

Ben wore pants and a shirt when he left the shower, about which Rey was very glad, and entered the room. It was an interesting visual that offered itself for him. Separated by a table his parents were standing on one side, looking nervous and a little bit timid, and on the other side stood Rey, arms crossed in front of her chest, her foot tapping on the floor.

As if she was his guard, she moved next to him and kissed him on his cheek and whispered to him. “Your parents want to talk to you. Do you want to talk alone with them, or do you want me to stay?” Ben put his arm around her waist and pulled her with him to the table. “Please stay – you give me strength.”

When they stood opposite of his parents Ben greeted them. “Hey, Mom. Dad.” Their nervousness was palpable in the room. Both said a short greeting back. Long moments of silence were following until Leia started to speak. “Han and I talked a lot yesterday after Rey had left. And Rey was – is – right. While you were closing the gap between us from your side, we never attempted to close it from our side. But we want to change that now.”

There was a short pause and his parents looked nervously towards Ben. Then he answered. “I needed to learn that my forgiveness isn’t conditional on your recognition of your mistakes because it was primarily about my own healing. I needed to accept, that there was the possibility, that you would never acknowledge how you hurt me, and it was on me to decide if I wanted to heal even if I would never get an apology from you.”

Han nodded. “We’re sorry for taking so long – we should have come to you a long time ago. We hope it isn’t too late now.” Ben left Rey’s side and walked to his parents. “It isn’t” he whispered and enveloped both in his arms. In his mother’s eyes were tears again and even Han did not comment on their shared moment of intimacy. Rey observed the three and she was happy, that Ben could finally find some form of redemption, not because of the mistakes he made, but to heal the wounds others had inflicted on him.

After a few moments of hugging, Ben loosened one arm and reached behind, searching for Rey not wanting to leave her out of this moment, because she was his family, too. She was the family on which he wanted to build their future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of the story even if it is only the start of their healing process. If you want, you can check out some of my other stories. There are two canon-verse stories and one very fluffy story placed in a modern setting.


End file.
